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I wish I didn't STILL have to feel like this userpic sometimes
nightmare fuel i
matt1993 wrote in iwish
I wish I hadn't made the stupid decision to stop checking my LJ friends page until I finished my list of links to all my entries and comments that I was worried that my LJ friends would hate me for (which I previously mentioned here).

Because that took almost a year to finish (and I actually first decided to stop checking my friends page for a while before that so I'd have more time to finish my creative vortexes [previously mentioned in my first post to this community]), and in the meantime, at least three of my friends have unfriended me, and I've only figured out why one did, so now I have to wonder whether the other two (or more...) unfriended me because I didn't check my friends page for so long or because they were offended by anything in that list...

I wish I could stop worrying now about the things I've said and thought. I at least know that no one who commented on the list of links hates me for anything I've said, but I also know that for some of my entries and comments, it's only because it's clear that they're my past opinions. And I also know that some of them are offensive - my friends who commented on it just don't hold them against me.

Plus, the list doesn't include anything more recent than last August (the month I finally finished it and posted it), nor does it include anything I've said or thought outside LJ (which are, in some cases, things that I still can hardly imagine anyone not hating me for).

So now I have a huge dilemma: Make a list of the other things and post that just to make sure no one will hate me for it either? Catch up on my friends page more? (I finally started making myself check it at least once every 3 days about a month ago, and caught up on older entries a little, but given how many things there still are that remind me of the Forbidden Comment Threads, I didn't go further back than last November yet because I decided I might need to finish the list of worries fairly soon to finally get over this depression...) Work on my creative vortexes, some of which I know some of my LJ friends were looking forward to?

That's why after I caught up on about a month's worth of my friends page like I mentioned, I posted a poll to my LJ asking which of those things (and more) I should do first, but while I did get some responses, making that poll only made me further realize just how many unfinished projects I'd started (or, in some cases, hadn't started). There's so many things that I probably won't be able to finish within the next two years or so unless I once again wait until I finish one of them to work on any of the others - and even then, that will probably only get one of them done within a couple of years if it's one of the smaller ones...

Basically:

- I wish I weren't such a horrible friend. Or a horrible person.
- I wish I knew exactly what to do - or at least if there's anything I can do - to stop feeling almost like I'm the last person alive in a post-apocalyptic future...
- I'm feeling a little better at the moment, but I wish I could at least be sure that I'll still feel okay by Christmas...

EDIT: I also wish I could talk about all of this more concisely. It just goes to show how much of a mess I'm in...

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